Childhood Traumas: Part I
This has been a topic I've been avoiding for 15 years now I think. Given I have a fck ton of time to reflect with this quarantine period, now sounds like a good time to just... let it all out. In a nutshell, I hope to write this with the intention of bringing all the pieces of the puzzle together from my childhood to have a better understanding of how my personality came to form. This of course includes all the important relationships I had with a handful of people that molded me and my image of myself, the ego. Two huge pieces of the puzzle are my parents.
Honestly, I can never understand how people can tell stories about their childhood as if it happened an hour ago. Some people can literally tell you how the room smelled like when they were 6.8 months old. For me, everything is so foggy. I genuinely thought I didn't have childhood memories, but it turns out I was repressing it all this while and I do remember big chunks of all the fun I had. And, also the not-so-fun times I had as a little kid.
Back when I was four years old...
To be fair, I never thought I could remember this far back and always thought my last childhood memories were when I was attending primary school. I was roughly 10 years old. I was likely trying to bury all those years of memories... but why?
When I was four years old, I lived in a different town. My mom rented a small house in a very rural area. I lived with her and my sister. This was in the west side of my country in a town called San Ignacio.
Now the reason this little town is so important in this story is because I made my first friends here, and it's probably the strongest memories I have from my childhood. My neighborhood had very interesting mix of kids who all happen to be the same age. There was the rotten-egg kid that stole things and smoked dry grass. There was the rich kid that owned the only bike in the neighborhood. We got to play the hell out of it and even made our own mini-games. One game was riding super fast and seeing who makes the longest trail with the rear wheel using the brakes. So much fun.
And then there was George, a neighbor that lived behind my old house. Most of my memories I have as a kid, were with him. My parents always told me many interesting stories of us doing stupid but fun stuff. We were best friends apparently, and he came over to play every single day. He didn’t speak much but damn did we entertain each other. We played with paper planes, built lego toys and just ran around the place like monkeys. Imagine a movie montage filled with random outdoor childhood memories; that was us.
One super vivid memory is George coming to our home and peeping through the screen door without saying a single word. I knew that it was game time when he came haha. It was so much fun playing just about anything with him. We had a good time just catching little tadpoles during rainy season. It rained a bunch here.
We were in direct contact with nature back then; going out to explore was what felt natural to us. One of the neighborhood kids had a little toy called a spinning top which spins after you wrap a string around it and release it. It was popular during those days, but it was tough to learn.
These days, it's a little different
Video games bring all the experience indoors but a big cost.
My childhood was filled with a repetition of all these activities for about four years then it took a little U-turn when my mom got transferred to our new home in the northern part of my country. A lot of my family already lived there, so it was supposed to be nice going back to them. But as a kid, my strong connections were with my friends, the people that I spent time with every single day. It's strange, because looking back at it, I can't remember the day we left our old home. That's probably when my memory started fogging up.
Fast-forward a few months...
I was now at a new school surrounded by new faces. But I didn't feel at home. Everything felt unnatural. I had a connection with my friends, a strong one. My personality shifted during this phase. I became much quieter, and way more conservative.
I'd like to think that I was like a little puppy that was taken away from my other little brothers and sisters. Dragged and taken to an unknown place. More than likely I started shutting down after this period.
Something was forming
I don't remember too much during this transition period to be honest, but I started having more social interaction with my parents especially my dad.
But we'll talk about that in Part II.
Ever since I left my old home, I knew I had to go back. Interestingly enough I did when I was 27 years old.