Missing the magic

I've had so much in my mind recently. I hate it, but it's good for something at least. It means I have a lot to write about. Before, having nothing in my mind was the most peaceful thing in the world but an ideal world is not reality.

What's on my mind?

I bet f@cebook would love to know the answer to this question lol. But fck them, I'm writing it on my medium. I've been thinking a lot about relationships recently, mostly because mines isn't going so well at the moment.

Actually I don't even have a good relationship with my parents right now so that's a bad start to the relationship train lol. To be completely transparent, I've never had a good relationship with my parents. I don't think I have a single memory of us being happy together. I can say that for my dad, mother and sister.

What is a healthy relationship?

In this world of duality, there's healthy and unhealthy relationships if you'd like to put a label on things. Personally, I would just prefer experiencing it and living it regardless of a label but that's not how everything was setup.

For me, a healthy relationship is one where you have a good connection with someone, and it's natural to be around them. It means having more good times than bad ones. I can think of special moments where I was with people that wanted nothing from me but to hear me laugh, watch me smile with my eyes and help me regardless of the outcome.

If there's a word that screams out to me, it's authenticity and love. Unfortunately, I haven't been experiencing much of that lately.

Missing the magic

I remember when I lived by myself. Spending time alone was so recharging. Watching nature while swinging on a hammock would make just about anyone relax and slow down. I treasured every single human interaction while I was in this mind-space or soul-space. Everything was magic.

But, that's different now. The zen space I created is not my environment anymore. I live in a sort of toxic world or at least that's my perception. I wonder is simply stepping out will fix it. Maybe it won't, but it'll certainly make me see clearer.

It's hard to see the horizon in a foggy morning after all.

Too many fcking rules

I think my favorite thing about backpacking was doing anything I wanted with whomever I wanted. That freedom is surreal. And I traveled with partners that had the same feeling, so we did it together. I think those were the most magical moments I've ever lived.

Two people coming together to do exactly what universe wants to do with them. No rules, no expectations, no outcomes. I think I was living a fairy-tale lol. But what's wrong with two people living a fairy-tale together? Everyone's playing a game with each other. This game just happens to be a lot more relaxed.

Sharing an experience

I don't know. I liked the idea of sharing life experiences with someone. Anyone. Just for the sake of experiencing. In fact, I craved it while traveling, probably because I had experienced a lot of moments by myself and wanted a new experience.

But now, it seems to have lost its magic. I prefer being alone. Maybe I'm swinging on the other side of the pendulum. We, fcking humans are weird. We crave for something for a long time just to realize we don't want it anymore.

I want to go back to that space where I enjoy myself and people. And I have a feeling this has to begin with myself, a magical relationship with myself.